I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
