How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
its liver damage thursday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
