i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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