bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
