Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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