I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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