Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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