I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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