If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
