i already hear my dad disowning me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
