my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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