I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
