Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize