apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
