i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
