If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He felt like a one man threesome
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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