wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
