Im at strip club and am horny
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
