Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
