Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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