I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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