Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
