Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize