Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
