you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
