fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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