There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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