I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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