dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
