I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
