i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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