hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
