Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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