Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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