You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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