the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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