i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
