Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
In America we eat man semen.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
