cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish there were birth control emojis
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
