have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize