I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
