Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Found the puke drawer
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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