I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
