you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
