Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
