the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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