I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
