At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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