God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
