I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
