Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
