I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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