I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
