How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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