so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
