I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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