Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
